Years ago, a few pals and I had nothing to do on a Saturday night, and decided to see a movie. “Let’s see that E.T.,” I said. They appeared skeptical. “C’mon,” I said, “The entire nation is drooling over this thing. There must be something to it.” So we went.
Two over-the-top hours later, my pal Bill scowled and said “Next time, I pick the movie,” and we went to a Polynesian restaurant called Bob Loo’s and rum-drank away our annoyance.
We were untouched by the magic of this puckered little freak that looked like some kind of anus with eyes. I don’t mind having my heartstrings plucked a bit (I still get weepy when Charles Bronson croaks at the end of “The Magnificent Seven”). But I resent having those strings twanged mercilessly, like some kid who gets an electric guitar for Christmas and doesn’t know how to play it. Yik.
An Angry Man is not impervious to magic, but his standards are high. Other cupid’s arrows that failed to hit the mark:
1. The Boston Red Sox. After eight decades, these guys finally win one—only to have the winning lineup dismantled and traded away by the next season. Good thinkin’.
2. Apple. iNough is iNough. Steve Jobs “innovated” with technology from Xerox, and turbocharging the Sony Walkman and the Blackberry, all other people's ideas. He was also an arrogant SOB who stomped on employees and looked down on Bill Gates, who in turn ate Jobs’ lunch and bailed out Apple. That had to hurt. Good!
3. The Internet. I know—that’s where I’m writing this and you’re reading this. But I’ve been a writer and researcher for more than two decades now. In the “Information Age,” information is not “power,” it’s water from the tap. The Internet is the closest thing there is to Christ’s loaves and fishes, in that anything on it can be reproduced ad infinitum, for public consumption; but instead of feeding the masses, it gives them pornography.
4. “Mad Men.” This show started sucking wind in Season 1, Episode 2. And what arrogance makes the producers think the world will tolerate them being six months late on delivery of Season 4?
5. Star Wars. The first film was so fantastic that some kid next to me shrieked “Aw, wicked!” throughout the flick. I was dying for the next installment, and in the theatre, was dying for it to end. The third installment had those oh-so-cuddly Ewoks, a gelded Darth Vader, and Harrison Ford looking embarrassed. He should have been. I never bothered to see the latest installments—never will.
6. Lady Diana. You’ve got to hand it to her—she handled her difficult lot (infidelity, extreme expectations) with grace, aplomb and dignity. No, wait—that was Jackie Onassis. Lady Diana released one humiliating dig at the Royal Family after another, even making sure the world knew she tried to abort Prince William by hurling herself down a flight of stairs (wonder how he felt about that). And that crappy “Candle in the Wind” rework by Elton John? Agonizing. Which brings me to –
7. Elton John. Keith Richard put it best when he complained that all Elton was good for was singing about dead blondes. As time went on, and Elton melted down into an increasingly nasty old fart, it became increasingly obvious that he was bugger-all without songwriter Bernie Taupin. Elton John brings us to—
8. Gay friendliness. There’s a condescending “some of my best friends are negroes” feel to the term “gay friendly.” Madonna makes it a point to be gay friendly, but have you ever noticed how she treats gay men? Watch her crummy “Truth or Dare” documentary, where she treats her gay staffers like needy puppies. Those guys should have told her to go to Hell.
9. “Glee.” This has that inane “I feel such a part of it!” feeling that inspires young dummies to see “Rent” four times a week. No you ain’t. Besides, good bands like Coldplay, Kings of Leon, Red Hot Chili Peppers aren’t touched by the magic (and so refused to allow their music to be fruited up on “Glee”), so why in Hell should I be?
10. Michelle Obama. You’re the first lady of this nation, for God’s sake. Wear something with sleeves to your husband’s State of the Union addresses. And for God’s sake, learn the customs of the lands you go to, which would have prevented you embarrassing our nation by hugging Queen Elizabeth like you ran into your favorite teacher 20 years later at TJ Maxx.
11. Harry Potter. This ain’t “Lord of the Rings,” or even “Chronicles of Narnia” with its scholarly ecclesiastical bent. It’s a kid’s series which for some reason, adults read. I traveled to London on business, the day “Deathly Hallows” was released; saw (on the Tube) at least 30 open copies of the book, and recognized that I was locked in a can, underground with 30 ninnies.
12. Peace. Know who talks peace more than anyone else? People who treat people badly. Sean Lennon and Paul McCartney have both described John Lennon as a selfish bastard. Hippies talked peace, but seemed to get a tremendous charge out of ticking off their parents. People who actually live peace, like Oscar Romero and Mother Teresa, just lived it. Besides, wouldn’t you like to own a time machine, take a bunch of 60s era Berkeley College campus commandos back to the European Theatre in the 40s, to see if Germans let them stuff flowers in their guns?
Does An Angry Man feel no magic whatsoever?
Sure I do. Remember what I said about “The Magnificent Seven.” (Sniffle.)
