Crybaby Husband Demands "Disney or Nothin'!"

Dear Angry Man,

"But I WANT it! You gots to gimme it!"

We’re planning our vacation for March next year. My husband wants to go to Disneyland and I want to go to London or Mexico. We’ve been married three years and only went on one vacation in 2012 which was also Disneyland.

The problem isn’t money. I did the math and we can go to London for a little more and Mexico for a little less. He just loves Disneyland and says we can go to London any time. He says if we don’t go to Disneyland he’ll stay home. 

We don’t have kids yet, I think we can wait till we do and go to Disneyland.

Should I just give in?

Reluctant Princess

Dear Reluctant:

…? How old is this guy?

There’s something off about an adult male who stamps his feet and demands to go to Disney. I’m not suggesting he’s any kind of pervert, but am suggesting he’s spectacularly immature (and alas, maybe too immature for marriage).

Maybe his fondest childhood memories are of trips to Disneyland. Well, my pal’s fondest memories are of Little League, but he doesn’t squeeze himself into a child-sized jockstrap and try to play the games—he coaches Little League. 

Maybe your husband simply isn’t curious about the world around him. He’s not obliged to be. But you are curious, and that ought to count for something to him. (And don’t let him tell you that you can see the world at Epcot Center. Drinking Guinness in goddamned Orlando, served by a theatre major with a put-on PBS accent, is not a trip abroad.)

Maybe he’s lousy at compromise. Then he's lousy at marriage. Does he demand his way at every turn in your marriage? If so, you’ll have one Hell of a time raising kids, buying a home, Hell, choosing a pet. No, marriage isn’t about keeping score (“You got your way last time, it’s my turn!”). But having got his way twice, your husband will demand his way next time, too. That’s what children do.

(On a side note, The Angry Man is no fan of Disney and has never set foot in one of their parks. He’d rather be caught in the line at a porno theatre than in line for Space Mountain. Disney’s evil. They treat their employees and business partners like turd (Angry Man says firsthand, having known numerous employees and worked for two of their business partners). They infantilized the bear [“The simple bear necessities!”] such that tourists in Yosemite aren’t afraid of them. They glad-assed Mary Poppins to the point that author PL Travers said it took “every ounce of courage she possessed” to live it down.)

My advice is, go to London or Mexico with a friend. Book your tickets today. Do not go to Disneyland, under any circumstance. Yes, your husband will cry and throw his toys out of the pram. But whichever way you turn, one of you is going to end up resentful, and I nominate him.

Low Blood Sugar? Eat a Snickers and Quit Being a Jackass

An Angry Man read a "Dear Abby" column that ticked him off. (I gotta be me, ya know.)


In an August 1 letter ("It's All Good Until..."), a woman observed that her "funny, happy-go-lucky" husband is just darlin' all day, until dinner time. "It's all good, until..." the woman wrote, when his disposition turns hostile and he berates her. Abby (or her kids or whoever in Hell writes her column now) advised (I thought decently) that the guy was punishing his wife, for reasons known only to himself, and probably lousy ones.


Then came dozens of replies about how the poor guy is probably a "victim" of low blood sugar. Every writer (nurses included) had stories about people who became irritable due to low blood sugar or glucose. Abby capitulated.


She shouldn't have. The guy's a jackass, either way. It seems his blood sugar dips when he's got his wife trapped. She suggested they eat apart, asked him to seek marriage counseling, asked him to save his criticism for places other than the dinner table, all of which he refuses. He makes no apologies whatsoever for his behavior, meaning he gets a charge out of it.


And if this is an older, married couple, then this twerp undoubtedly has annual physicals and would know if he's got blood sugar trouble.


I'm also guessing he wouldn't treat his wife this way with company around, and doesn't act like a bastard if, for example, he's out to dinner with a bunch of golf pals.


My advice to the wife: feed the SOB some peanut butter crackers at about 4 PM. If he's still a bastard at dinner, well then, you have your answer. File papers on him and start eating out till he leaves.

Untouched by the Magic

After a week of Steve Jobs worship, An Angry Man is feeling a sense of deja yuk.


Years ago, a few pals and I had nothing to do on a Saturday night, and decided to see a movie. “Let’s see that E.T.,” I said. They appeared skeptical. “C’mon,” I said, “The entire nation is drooling over this thing. There must be something to it.” So we went.

Two over-the-top hours later, my pal Bill scowled and said “Next time, I pick the movie,” and we went to a Polynesian restaurant called Bob Loo’s and rum-drank away our annoyance.

We were untouched by the magic of this puckered little freak that looked like some kind of anus with eyes. I don’t mind having my heartstrings plucked a bit (I still get weepy when Charles Bronson croaks at the end of “The Magnificent Seven”). But I resent having those strings twanged mercilessly, like some kid who gets an electric guitar for Christmas and doesn’t know how to play it. Yik.

An Angry Man is not impervious to magic, but his standards are high. Other cupid’s arrows that failed to hit the mark:

1.    The Boston Red Sox. After eight decades, these guys finally win one—only to have the winning lineup dismantled and traded away by the next season. Good thinkin’.

2.      Apple. iNough is iNough. Steve Jobs “innovated” with technology from Xerox, and turbocharging the Sony Walkman and the Blackberry, all other people's ideas. He was also an arrogant SOB who stomped on employees and looked down on Bill Gates, who in turn ate Jobs’ lunch and bailed out Apple. That had to hurt. Good!

3.       The Internet. I know—that’s where I’m writing this and you’re reading this. But I’ve been a writer and researcher for more than two decades now. In the “Information Age,” information is not “power,” it’s water from the tap. The Internet is the closest thing there is to Christ’s loaves and fishes, in that anything on it can be reproduced ad infinitum, for public consumption; but instead of feeding the masses, it gives them pornography.

4.     “Mad Men.” This show started sucking wind in Season 1, Episode 2. And what arrogance makes the producers think the world will tolerate them being six months late on delivery of Season 4?

5.    Star Wars. The first film was so fantastic that some kid next to me shrieked “Aw, wicked!” throughout the flick. I was dying for the next installment, and in the theatre, was dying for it to end. The third installment had those oh-so-cuddly Ewoks, a gelded Darth Vader, and Harrison Ford looking embarrassed. He should have been. I never bothered to see the latest installments—never will.

6.    Lady Diana. You’ve got to hand it to her—she handled her difficult lot (infidelity, extreme expectations) with grace, aplomb and dignity. No, wait—that was Jackie Onassis. Lady Diana released one humiliating dig at the Royal Family after another, even making sure the world knew she tried to abort Prince William by hurling herself down a flight of stairs (wonder how he felt about that). And that crappy “Candle in the Wind” rework by Elton John? Agonizing. Which brings me to –

7.    Elton John. Keith Richard put it best when he complained that all Elton was good for was singing about dead blondes. As time went on, and Elton melted down into an increasingly nasty old fart, it became increasingly obvious that he was bugger-all without songwriter Bernie Taupin. Elton John brings us to—

8.       Gay friendliness. There’s a condescending “some of my best friends are negroes” feel to the term “gay friendly.” Madonna makes it a point to be gay friendly, but have you ever noticed how she treats gay men? Watch her crummy “Truth or Dare” documentary, where she treats her gay staffers like needy puppies. Those guys should have told her to go to Hell.

9.       “Glee.” This has that inane “I feel such a part of it!” feeling that inspires young dummies to see “Rent” four times a week. No you ain’t. Besides, good bands like Coldplay, Kings of Leon, Red Hot Chili Peppers aren’t touched by the magic (and so refused to allow their music to be fruited up on “Glee”), so why in Hell should I be?

10.   Michelle Obama. You’re the first lady of this nation, for God’s sake. Wear something with sleeves to your husband’s State of the Union addresses. And for God’s sake, learn the customs of the lands you go to, which would have prevented you embarrassing our nation by hugging Queen Elizabeth like you ran into your favorite teacher 20 years later at TJ Maxx.

11.   Harry Potter. This ain’t “Lord of the Rings,” or even “Chronicles of Narnia” with its scholarly ecclesiastical bent. It’s a kid’s series which for some reason, adults read. I traveled to London on business, the day “Deathly Hallows” was released; saw (on the Tube) at least 30 open copies of the book, and recognized that I was locked in a can, underground with 30 ninnies.

12.   Peace. Know who talks peace more than anyone else? People who treat people badly. Sean Lennon and Paul McCartney have both described John Lennon as a selfish bastard. Hippies talked peace, but seemed to get a tremendous charge out of ticking off their parents. People who actually live peace, like Oscar Romero and Mother Teresa, just lived it. Besides, wouldn’t you like to own a time machine, take a bunch of 60s era Berkeley College campus commandos back to the European Theatre in the 40s, to see if Germans let them stuff flowers in their guns?

Does An Angry Man feel no magic whatsoever?

Sure I do. Remember what I said about “The Magnificent Seven.” (Sniffle.)

Many Angry Thanks to "The Indy Thinker..."

Which saw fit to fuel the rage! See my angry rants at http://paper.li/irf01/1305612770.

Dammit.