Tell me what law SAYS I gotta like Oprah?

Years ago, in the 1980s, I actually liked Oprah. Know why?

'Cuz she was slapping Phil Donahue around in the ratings. For you younger readers, look him up. He was a creampuff who defined the 1980s 'sensitive male.' He proclaimed to have a well-developed 'feminine side' and declared himself unafraid to cry. That passed for a man, back in the '80s. Phil was the original mid-day confessional show with oddballs before Oprah rose out of Chicago and ate Phil's lunch. She was better than him, and a lot less full of it. She was then, anyhow.

But alas - like that Kudzu grass that invaded the southern states - she never ceased to grow. And this (see photo) is what we have wrought. Oprah's Lifeclass. 

Y'know - Oprah - you promised you were going away. Hell, you threw yourself a year-long goodbye party telling the world you were going away. Instead, you ended your show and started your own goddamned network and recruit ninnies like Rosie O'Doughnuts to staff it. Yik.

A dear friend of my wife was scandalized when I referred to Oprah as a "narcissistic bison." I was sincerely unhappy to have upset a decent person, but I stand by my conviction.

What's not to like about Oprah, you ask?

Well, replies An Angry Man - do you want the whole list, or just the Top Ten?! The Angry Man will restrict himself to five.

#1. She lies. Oprah has claimed over time to be descended of slaves. That is a glorious history, frankly - her success from a slave heritage? That's a powerful statement. She has also claimed to be 100% Zulu. The Zulu is perhaps the mightiest, most dangerous tribe in Africa. Their kings Chaka and Cetewayo each schooled the British about how to treat the locals. But - the Zulu are a South African tribe which was never enslaved by anyone, American or European. So Oprah - pick a glory. You can't have both. But you are Oprah and you Will Not Be Denied.

#2: She lies, some more. Oprah on her show told a young addict that she, in her 20s, was also a crack addict. "I relate to your story so much because of what Patrice just said about being introduced to drugs by men in your life." Izzat so? Oprah was born in 1954. Crack was not conceived until the mid 80's - about when Oprah was burgeoning as a talk show host. Put it all together, and whatever is interesting, Oprah's got a story; so An Angry Man has to wonder if all the personal tragedies she's trumpeted over the years were not just for effect. 

#3: "Oprah's Big Give." A 2008 reality show in which people competed to be the most charitable, for the chance to win $1 million. The winner would donate $.5 million, and pocket the other $.5 million. I am not making this up.

#4: "East of Eden (Oprah's Book Club) [Hardcover]." Actual tagline from Amazon sales of Steinbeck's classic. At some point, Oprah declared Steinbeck to be good; as if we didn't know that already. The Angry Man has read every word that Steinbeck ever wrote. Respectfully, after the Pulitzer, an Oprah endorsement is a bit of a come-down. Especially after she endorsed James Frey's made-up memoir A Million Little Pieces, and after Jonathan Franzen whose The Corrections was already a New York Times Bestseller, told Oprah to keep her endorsement. Franzen declined to have what he called "that poker chip" (the Oprah Book Club insignia) ugly-ing up the paperback editions of The Corrections.

#5: Goodbye! I'm leaving! Seriously! This is it! That year-long goodbye party she threw herself on her own show was absolutely absurd. She invited back Frey (whom she beneficently forgave) and Franzen (who, in a most gentlemanly fashion, went easy on her). She toured the world, plunking her self-important girth down in the center of the Sydney Opera House, for instance. And as An Angry Man said before, she capped off her farewell by announcing the Oprah Winfrey Network (OWN). Contrast her exit with that of Johnny Carson. His last show in May of 1992 was his last show. His last guest (actually, the night before) was Bette Midler. Johnny signed off by saying, in his final minutes on air, "I can only tell you that it has been an honor and a privilege to come into your homes all these years and entertain you."

And that is why Oprah Winfrey is completely unqualified to wash Johnny Carson's jockstrap in the sink. For Johnny, the privilege was his. For Oprah, the honor and the privilege is entirely yours.

She seems to think.